I want a fuck buddy.
There I said it.
Is it so hard nowadays to get one? I thought with sex and the city there would be scores of women wanting no strings, hot, regular poundage? (I'm trying to invent new words)
Don't get me wrong I want to meet the love of my life, the one who's into Mad music, movies, arts and energetic sex, but can't I have a sex buddy first.
I am to women what oil is to water, what fire is to petrol, what a Jeremy kyle audience member is to a job, incompatible.
I've been lucky a few times, my first time especially when I managed to have sex with a borderline nymphomaniac, who thrust me on the bed and tried every position I could think of and a few that even R Kelly would reject as obscene.
It's just because women don't want to be seen as sluts that people don't talk about this as much.
why, after talking to a women for a while can one of us not say "I really want to have sex with you" without fear of getting a slap?
Its just glorified exercise really, a stretching of muscles followed by a rush of endorphins and adrenaline, admittedly with exercise you don't have to sneak out of the gym at 5.30 the next morning, using the gyms phone to order yourself a taxi.
The main reason I want a sex buddy is practise. Something I am badly in need of.
I think I'm good at it, the few women I've traded fluids with have never complained, one even climaxed! Well I think she did, in any case her grandmothers crocheted tablecloth was ruined.
My main problem is maintaining an erection, something I never thought would happen to me because as a teenager I would snap my under pant elastic at the mere glimpse of Mrs O'Neil cleavage. AHHH Mrs O'Neil how I would love to be in your ample bosom, nothing could hurt me if I was in your sweaty big titted embrace.
Anyway my main problem is I can not get myself off.
The way it usually works for me ,( IE twice), is that after clothes are shed and the almost perquisite 5 Mins of kissing, I dive straight for a drink from the furry cup.
Yes I know some men hate it but I have to say I don't mind it at all, what I love most about sex is the intimacy, being close to someone, and lets be honest you can't be anymore close to someone than when you have your tongue half way up their pleasure pipe.
The problem starts when the 25 minutes, half an hour of cunning lingering is over.
For me the party goes sort of ...well ... flat!
That's why I need a fuck buddy ,someone who can guide me and I them in all ways of sweet sweet poundage (I will have a word in the dictionary dammit!!!)
We can compare notes afterwards, on where we each went wrong, a slipped tongue here, randomly inserted digit here .
Graphs!! we can do Graphs, Pie charts on Orgasms per hour, flow charts for tongue revolutions per second, lets Bureaucracy-up love making.
I always thought losing your virginity should be like doing your driving test, you do your theory followed by your practical, not forgetting the oral exam, and then its over, no more pressure to lose the fucking thing and all done in a nice clean clinical dystopian kind of way.
Anyway I'm rambling on like Hugh Grant in an unfunny film by Richard Curtis. Long story short is there any women who just want me for sex and good conversation? please send all correspondence to appropriate address and not your nearest Police station. Thank you and Good Night
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